sallemander

Bio of John Allemand by Marsha Mellow

A lot of people like John’s art…but he’s really not the sort that ‘respectable’ people should get to know. He’s been known to associate with circus people (Clowns!), has arguments with random body parts (spleens!) and has an ugly prejudice against sentient technology (robots!). He’s certainly not the type you’d “want to have a beer with” like George W. Bush.

In utero, John had a conjoined twin brother attached at the buttocks but by the time he was born, his twin had been completely absorbed..…except for its tiny, powerful brain. Being the dullard of the two, John naturally deferred all of his higher thinking to his lower, smarter brain. I often say that most of his best ideas come straight out of his ass.

He was born in East Orange NJ, the youngest of 16 and spent his early years eating, shitting and puking. Despite his typical American public school education, he came away with a deep appreciation for diverse cultures and ideas - a freakish critical thinker…very disappointing. A few years into his art career, however, he learned to suppress his personal integrity and craftsmanship as it made him a pariah among his peers and a liability to his clients. Lowering himself into the sleazy culture of corporate advertizing, he convinced himself that it was all worth it ‘for the sake of the kids’ (which it wasn’t).

John had a spectacular 30 year career in film & animation doing amazing work on some of the worst television programs and dangerously misleading ads ever made. He was a master of selling useless crap to gullible people. When the corporate art industry collapsed under austerity, he retired to follow his passions.

He moved to Costa Rica to become a Free-Range Guacamole Rancher but something in the water caused a partial rebirth of his twin brother through his scrotum, so he moved to Kalamazoo to open the Shits and Giggles Gourmet Taco Truck. It was a raging success until he sold it to a fellow with one leg named Willy, when local Taco Mobsters made threats on his yet unnamed legs. In Weehawken, he became a live organ collector for Morty’s Door-to-Door Coffin Emporium...but was fired for sampling the merchandise. He caught the itch for art again in Flushing at Herbies Corpus’ Human Taxidermy, working as a happy face painter. After six blissful years he left to become a urinal cake decorator for Jakes Kakes in Coxsackie New York. He still giggles whenever he hears "Coxsackie."

When I finally tracked him down, milking bulls at the County Fair in Sheboygan, I offered him a job (and a hot shower) on the spot...real artists are hard to find these days. John came highly recommended and despite my personal dislike for his kind, he was my best and only hope for illustrating my extraordinary projects. It took some maneuvering but I locked him into a clever contract when he was too exhausted and vulnerable to resist. That very night, we set off across America on a one month research road-trip…..and didn’t return for 10 years. What we discovered and documented in our search for Clowns, Freaks and Oddies is quite amazing.....but to learn more, you’ll have to buy my books.

These days, John spends most of his time illustrating for me, desperately searching for a way out of his contract (ha ha ha!). He often dreams of becoming a spotted pink rhinoceros – while his sharper twin brother plots to take over the world.